Porcupine potjie, zebra steaks and vegan ribs?

I once upset a porcupine and lost. I also once ate vegan ribs and lost my lunch. Once upon a time, a slow but conniving tortoise snapped at me. This week I saw a dead aardvark. In none of these cases did I say, “Wow, that looks appetising”, writes Cape {town} Etc’s Murray Swart. 

Also read: Porcupine carcass washes up on Cape Town beach

However, what I can tell you from personal experience is that zebras are delicious.

In case you were wondering, I love meat, and I know that many people are against me on this.

Plant-based diets and veganism are all the rage and there are ample arguments and studies that favour this choice in dietary restrictions. Personally, I choose not to follow them. It’s my right.

Yes, meat is murder. You can theoretically get everything you need from a non-carnivorous lifestyle, but unfortunately, a head of cabbage is a disappointing substitute for a head of cattle.

The questions remain… At what cost should we choose the bovine over the botanical, or livestock over lush greenery? How many animals need to be slaughtered to feed me? What exactly will meet my dietary requirements? What vegetable has ribs, and/or what happened to the rest of the vegan? Don’t trust what the mainstream media tells you. Google knows everything.

Unfortunately, I’m not Google, and number seven on your list won’t shock me. I don’t blame fake news, and I don’t blame misinformation for my own willful ignorance.

I just don’t know the answers and if someone is willing to enlighten me, it would be greatly appreciated.

After all, I like meat and I’m not afraid to admit it. What I don’t like is illegal meat or the dodgy trade in endangered species.

I hate the idea that animals are being stolen, like the rest of Africa’s natural resources, to accommodate the unwavering demand for the exotic and erotic around the world.

If you need some rhino horn to get an erection, you don’t deserve an erection. The last thing we want is another hornless horn-seeker procreating.

We don’t need the illegal trade in pangolins to cause another COVID-like situation, and we definitely don’t need cute curiosities being turned into persecuted pets.

We also don’t need tremendous, yet tarnished, trophies on our walls, and we definitely don’t deserve desecrated animal remains as our decor. Nor do we need vegan ribs.

I’m assuming that no vegans were hurt in the making of this product. They’re quite a radical bunch and need all their ribs to project their righteous indignation onto all of us meat-munching maniacs. 

You will never have to ask a vegan about their choice of lifestyle. They’ll tell you regardless.

We carnivores killed Bambi’s mom. We ate that doe and then we drank the kool-aid. 

That being said, we had little to do with the discovery of a dead aardvark and porcupine and tortoise, nor did we have anything to do with scientists proclaiming zebras as a healthy alternative to “skaaptjoppies” and “biefstuk” on the braai.

Don’t get me wrong. I believe in animal rights. I’m also a staunch supporter of humans interpreting them.

I simply don’t think that soya on a stick is a rib and I definitely don’t see it as a “green alternative” to something delicious.

Also read: Researchers find zero wrong with zebra meat on the braai

Have you seen where veggies come from? Ask Monsanto. Those beans have a little piece of a sentinel in every bite.

I hate seeing animals suffer. In fact, I detest it. 

However, as I’ve said, I like meat. It’s delicious. Vegan ribs are both disgusting and oxymoronic.

In fact, what I really despise are laws and regulations that limit the trade in the delicious, pushing up prices through exclusivity, and placing aardvarks and porcupines into a category too delicious, delectable and deniable to dismiss.

All in the name of making the rich richer, the poor poorer, and the vegans more vehement. 

I hate the fact that it is more profitable to smuggle animals than to smother them in grace, gratitude and gravy.

I hate clandestine black markets. 

I find it revolting that the law believes it is more feasible to fight an illegal trade than to regulate an industry on the grounds that prohibition is profitable and plant-based diets are healthier.

Vegan ribs suck, but not as much as the unethical trade in those poor animals that are delicious, desirable and decorative enough to be in demand.

Unlike a stick of soya, meat is delicious and nutritious. 

However, the rules and regulations, ensuring that all creatures are kept happy, healthy and close to home are failing us.

Also read: 

Update: Post-mortem results on Sunset Beach Aardvark revealed

Picture: Alex and Juanita Aitkenhead



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